Gazing


 This is me. {well, not really, but metaphorically speaking}  In the basket is my life ... all my experiences, thoughts, passions {there are many}, gifts, degree, student debt, hopes, dreams, and pain. I really want to get out in that ocean but I'm pretty darn scared, in fact, I don't even have a boat right now so I'm just sort of stuck.   I'm about ready to just jump off this cliff and hope there's a trampoline at the bottom.  Let's go with that.  

Just waitin'. I wanna run down get my fingers in that water and lick the salt off my hands. 

In the meantime there's ample time to talk with this man sitting next to me on the blanket. He keeps telling me to sit down and frankly, he's getting on my nerves, but he's really interesting and I want him to like me so I do my best not to fidget like a five-year-old.  Its not going well. 

Its strange, he likes to ask questions - at first they're easy to answer and I don't mind answering, but now I'm not sure I like this guy.  And he keeps pulling me back on the blanket.  Rude. 

Well, not rude, because he has sweet eyes and I can tell he's trying to help me while I'm waiting.  So I start to tell him more about what's in my basket.  About my dad, my family, what has happened this year and why I'm just ready to leave this stupid cliff - and you can tell I'm pretty serious because I don't generally call things "stupid" like an angry toddler.  But that's the mess that's going on inside while I dangle my feet off the edge.  I'm ready to be done, I've been here FOREVER.   

Why do you keep pulling me down, old man? I think I see a boat! Hey! Let me go! Fine, what do you want? Okay, yeah, that one wasn't headed where I wanted to go anyways.  
Yes, the wind is nice up here. Thank you. 

So ... you're a captain? What sort of ships do you sail? A bit of everything then? Do you know where I could get one? I'd like a nice little sailboat with a motor-board in case things get slow - with a cozy cabin below where I can make tea and sew {yes, I really enjoy making things, do you have any hobbies? - fishing? yeah, that's cool ...I feel like we've met before ...} and my husband and I can sing sweetly every night and travel the world in our little boat.

Okay, I'll sit here a little while longer.  He asks about my last boyfriend.  I loved him. A lot.  Let's not talk about that.  That's done.  What I really want to do now is get out into that ocean. It shouldn't be this difficult. Everyone else seems to be cruising .... oh this bruise? Its nothing.  I bruise easily.  There are a few more on this leg too. 

He stares at me.  We watch the boats pass. They're not for me yet.