Field Notebook: Revelation 3:7-8

I have an old professor from school who brought this scripture to me yesterday.

“To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:

These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."

I've never felt so at my knees, so powerless - then I am reminded that's just where I should be.

Can I tell you something? I'm really afraid...all the time.  Well, since the beginning for my last semester at college.  Really afraid.  Its not intentional - I tell myself not to be but its a torrent.  I've never felt like this before.  It feels like a millions angry voices are telling me I have to "be" something, I have to have life "figured out" in order to be valuable, to be worth something. This may seem silly when its written down but I want to follow my heart, my soul to the place God has for me and like I said yesterday, I frustratingly know I'm in the wrong direction. Have you felt like this? Do you feel like this now? Adding to my fear is the idea that it may not be legitimate. This is the ultimate undercut - isn't it alarming all the insecurities we harbour? Listen to the dialogue you have with yourself throughout the day - what are you saying to yourself?

 I've always been a little self-consious that I might be a bit too dramatic.  If we've ever met then you probably know what I mean - I often get really excited (happy or sad) and have lots of thoughts that burst forth like a fountain - then I apoligize to you a million times for possibly offending you or scaring the ba-jeebers out of your pants.  But I can't stop myself.  When something isn't right and I know it, I can't settle for less than the right way - I can't stop searching for the truth.  That's why I write so much - I have to speak out what I see; silly or serious.  I'm not ok with the dull, the lifeless, the humdrum 9-5 way of life - get up, put in your time, go home, repeat.  For me this comes across through well meaning adults who tell me something along the lines of "life is tough" "this is reality" or some other one-liner meant to stop your stirring and toughen you up.   But I'm not ok with angry families, empty hearts, crying children, or giving up.  I'm not ok with purposeless doings and blind eyes.  I'm just NOT ok with it. Yet, there's a little voice in the back of my head that says - you're just ridiculous, this is how life is, you're a child if you don't understand this, get back in line and deal with it like a calm, reasonable, responsible adult. 

Oh, how much I hate that voice. And it would be true if it weren't for Jesus.  My passion would have no power if His words weren't written down to show us a better way.  Sometimes I get too passionate, and I can push too hard, but I'd rather be ALIVE searching for the truth, for a healed, whole way of living, then dead, accepting, and powerless.

Its a balance - truth and grace - action and reflection.  But I look to the words above and I remember that the author of this Story, the Creator, has far greater plans for us than we could ever craft. This is a really big deal when you are utterly lost.  It reminds me that we were designed for a purpose, not forgotten, and he knows the very core of our souls - he knows you - he wants you to trust him to do what he says he will.  He's been talking to you your whole life and he's not going to stop.  He sees you.  ... even after graduation :)

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