Field Notes: People

Sometimes I sit around and watch people as they talk - wondering what they're thinking, if they're as calm as they appear.  Are they really carefree and relaxed as they retort with their clever quips or are they freaking out as much as I am about "where their life is going" or "when will their real career start"? I hope they don't, I hope they take life one day at a time and don't base their existence on their vocational status or financial independence.  I hope they don't ...  for if they do then there's really no hope for any of us.

Sometimes I sit around the circle and listen to the guy with the "Toms" rant about his chain-smoking cat-walking next door neighbor and wonder if his musings are just a cover up for a life of lost searchings ... or if he really does plan to spend the next ten years working at Apple. And if so, is there really anything wrong with that? I certainly don't want to be a grown up - why should he?

 And the girl who sports hipster glasses, does she have parents? What do they think of her waitress job and life pursuing theater? I just adore her, but how does she get through the day living on a whim and a prayer? I used to be like her, and then the thrashing known as this past year put a choke to my flame.  My mother lectures on money and responsibility {because she cares} while I crawl into a corner and cry myself to sleep under the weight of it all. Why can't I not care, too?

Honestly, I'd rather just sit and debate the meaning of life but my deep anxious fears are answered by the call of student loans, and demand that I grow up and get a real job.  I don't want one. I want my Lord, Michael and a one way ticket to Greece. But the tug of guilt and fear sometimes takes me away from the life I care for and the freedom I dream of - but hey, I don't have the luxury, and a girl needs to eat.

Hmm, I wonder how this generation will grow up. Maybe our privileged, sheltered rearings have given us a fascination for the old, the historic, and vintage in rejection to the ever changing, tech saturated pop culture that seems to miss the point of being alive - which is sometimes just "being". Just say no to the rat race. Or maybe we're living in extended denial under the guise of "forging new lifestyles" while delaying the realities of life, since we never had to face them in childhood. Well, that's a toughie.