Field Notes: Invisible

I find myself at Northwestern quite often - walking like a shadow among the business of everyone else's lives - a ghost.  I like to slip quietly away to a corner of the library or tip toe my way to the prayer room where no will question my existence or say something like "hey! you don't go here anymore- what are you doing here?"  I dread that question.  "Yes, thank you, I know I don't go here anymore, but this place has brought me more joy and purpose than any place else on earth - may I please stay for awhile?" A sanctuary, and I float like a ghost, hoping to be found but dreading the truth, the light, the fact that I don't quite belong anymore.  Every once and awhile a remnant of years gone by pulls me back and welcomes me - a friend, a few friends, a chat, a prayer. 

Today God sent me a love note - a "hey! I'm still here, I haven't forgotten you" note.  I have Mondays and Wednesday mornings free so I decided I would go back to chapel.  Hoping no one would call me out, I sulked to a chair up front - "please don't think I'm weird, I know I'm an alum, so lame, but please let me see a friendly face - a smile - a "oh I totally understand, it must feel good to come back". 

Today God sent Emily to me - a sweet ICS major (like me) who feels the pain of uncertainty in the same degree that I have the past few months.  We talked, we prayed, I cried (happens everyday now) and God reminded me that my dreams aren't dead. It takes courage, though, to surround your self with "help" like chapel, old mentors, and old friends.  Its embarrassing to admit that you have no clue how to run your life and you need guidance - you're not ready to leave the nest.  Yet, when you're living for an audience of One - you put it all aside, admit you need help, familiarity, and you run to wherever He can be found.  Even if its "lame".