I do feel rather lost sometimes, just waiting around for God to find me as I try to navigate the murky waters of ambiguity and a million "almost" choices. Patience has always been a difficult master.
It no longer surprises me that so many of us go through suffocating instances of identity train-wrecks - it seems when we are asleep to the world, we are happiest, and when we pay attention, when we care, we drown in our own futility. That's a rotten place to stay and I refuse to believe in the unending bleakness of the world. I have tasted life and choose to leave my unanswered questions on the alter as a sacrifice to my God and recognition of my humanity, finiteness. I think I'm finally beginning to grasp this "fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom", more like "awe and respect for the Lord is the beginning of not getting your cracked-nut brain handed to you by the world". I probably sound a tad dense as this point ... I'm sorry ... maybe I should say it this way .... life can really suck and sometimes I don't know why ... glad I don't have to know everything.
It is the only way to survive the madness you see when you really take a look at the world. Outside your bubble. Its when you need Him most. Or you will die, you will kill yourself if you follow it to its conclusion - isn't that what Nietzsche said? Nihilism ... either that or we'd turn back to our ignorance to avoid the pain. Neither of those options sound appealing to me. I know I'm not the first person to write on this subject - but it is the first time I've really considered the ramifications of it. And each new life has to learn each thing on its own, discover it anew like those before him.
Sometimes you must simply close the door on the darkness and recognize that you're not strong enough to fight it yet - you need help and protection, you are weak and fragile. The fool-hearty tango with what they don't know and leave their sword behind. Not the cheerful post is it? I know ... but I'll leave you with a few things that inspire me to create. I have no idea where some of these images come from, so if you know their source, let me know and I'll tag them properly.
I suppose I think too much for my own good ... but surrounding myself with simple, beautiful things is a sign that not everything is as evil as it sometimes seems. Hope can be found in a small string of lace or a beautiful skirt - a tiny reflection of the creativity God instilled into us when he formed us by his Word. He really must be an awesome God. And I can marvel in the fact that he would choose to share his creativity with broken soul like me.