A Window: Life Update

Greetings fellow travelers,

I don't feel especially inspired to write, just sitting in the den in some else's house while I wait for them to return home - I'm watching their daughter for the evening and she lays asleep after a riveting made-up fairy tale by yours truly about "Brooke" & "Connor" - their marriage and subsequent escape from the forest.  It ended with a run in with a little man named Orion and my imaginative powers ended there so "TBD until next time Elayna".  I'm not really sure where I'm going to go with that; however, I promised I'd finish it when I come back to sit in the end of December.

My best friend got engaged yesterday.  Man, that's weird.  Its never been so close to me before.  I love her to pieces - literally, actually - sometimes I hug too hard - its just so strange to have someone so close to you getting married.  She's the first one.  Lou always said she would be.  Ah, its just so weird -  a good weird, a great weird, mind you, but still just surreal.  I know its the same for her too, blimey, she's the one getting marred (excuse the British references, I rented Harry Potter today).  Does anyone know what "blimey" means? Or is it just a nonsensical term like "Ack!" or "Kablooey!".

Anyways,  I wanted to open another tiny window into my life and say I've gone two weeks without a major anxiety attack or arresting stress trigger.  This is good.  Life is not meant to be ruined by fear - though so often it is whether its a subtle wind that changes our course or a tempest that paralyzes our senses.  Well, I'm through with them all - filthy worms that take away my quality of life.  They can go to hell.  {if you're going to curse at something it should be something really evil, like fear}.

I had an idea the other day while I was pondering life {happens a lot these days} - how can I be a peacemaker in the world if I'm not in my own house, in my own life, in my own heart.  I was just thinking about being a mom one day and how I want to love my children and let them have fun and enjoy life instead of always scolding or correcting, constraining and never loving.  How can I be a loving good kind beautiful mother if I'm not that way to the children I meet now.  If I'm not that way to Elayna.  Well I certainly try to be but Jesus needs to do some more surgery - to have me act of our love and not anger or fear.  To discipline in love and honesty instead of irritation or revenge.  Besides, you just look like an idiot when you don't do it God's way {though sometimes people think you're an idiot when you DO}. 

Alas, the only one I answer to is Jesus and he's so faithful. I think that's what has helped me calm my fears.  Knowing that God made me and I can let go of control.  How I detest the way I've acted in the past, I cry and feel the shame of my disgusting soul and its attempts to control myself and others.  I must have looked so ugly to them.  When am I ever going to get this right? I think Paul said something about that in the new testament ....

How can I be beautiful if I'm rotting on the inside.  Because I know I am.  rotting.  what a horrible word.  I get why Jesus said all the offerings and sacrifices of the Pharisees were filthy rags.  God knows, we cannot conceal the stink within - we may fool others but we cannot fool God.  I think he just wants us to acknowledge that and humble ourselves.  We're all like emperor's without any clothes - strutting around like we've got it all under control but we're naked and filthy, everyone else can tell (well, some people can) but we all just pretend like we're the high and mightiest of folks all spanked up for the party, but like I said ... we're gross and God knows.  We're not pulling the wool over his eyes. 

I lied.  I am inspired to write.  Now.

So he has humbled me.  And I love him.  So much.  Thank you. Its the best gift.  You've given me a piece of sanity back, Jesus.  I love you.  I love you I love you I love you.  I love you dearer than my mother and father, the dream of a marriage, my future husband and my cat {which I don't have yet, but am in the market so if you see one, let me know} more than missions, more than my job, I love you more than love, I love you more than any man.  Thank you Jesus. I love you.

I'm not sure where we're going together but I have a feeling its going to be better than okay.  Don't give me riches, a house, nice clothes or a fancy job.  Give me You and your company.