Waiting & Whispers

This season of waiting is almost over and I'm chomping at the bit. I am a very very dry sponge waiting for the water and I have a feeling I'm about to be dropped into a very large, wet bucket. Ahhhhhhhhhh....refreshing.

The past three years, I have experienced more personal pain than I thought I could handle. Well, the truth is I couldn't handle it. I can't handle it and Jesus didn't even fix it. There was no magic wand, no love potion or immediate healing. Even though I asked for it. Sort of like Much Afraid when she was led into the desert by the Shepherd - would she ever get out? I am still in that desert, still in the weakening grasp of doubts and fear, hurts and desperate wounds - but the steps are easier and the heart grows warmer.

I suppose I always thought, " that will never happen to me " - I will never feel that sad or despondent because I have Jesus. Well, the truth is that I'm pretty weak, incredibly weak but God doesn't leave your side even when you feel abandoned. It really cannot be about my feelings - where is the hope in that? I'm a hurricane. I need an anchor.

My friend Heather put it this way after dinner last Sunday: its like being a toddler who screams and beats against her father's chest while he's holding her tightly in his arms. Well, I'm screaming and kicking but eventually I'll be all worn out and it'll be time to dress the wounds. And if I were honest, I'd say that God was incredibly faithful to keep me safe and secure even when I was freaking out. Never once did He drop the ball.

Do you ever feel like that?

I was reading this article in Relevant this morning and it really encouraged me:

"In waiting, in hupomone {steadfast, patient, endurance}, we have the opportunity to draw closer to Him. Sometimes we will kneel and ask for joy and still walk away depleted. That’s reality. But if we pursue God every day—honest with Him about our pain and frustration, yet thankful for what He has done—that joy will inflame again like dying fire in a dry breeze, and no circumstance will destroy it."